I loved it. I really Did.

okay. so, the chosen title has nothing to do with the contents of my blog post today. it's just that it's a  line that I can't get over (ang funny mo Erol!) !! I can't help but to type it already. AKO NA MABABAW. It just makes me laugh every time I remember it. I look stupid na nga minsan eh, I smile even I'm alone. hahaha. that was one memorable hell of a night. I'm still not in the mood to detail about that night.. so yeah. maybe soon.

GOING BACK TO THE POST.  
AND OH.. BEFORE YOU CONTINUE LET ME WARN YOU: THIS POST IS STUPID. I just had to.

let's first set the mood with this wonderful song. it's a favorite of yours truly :) (TADHANA-- up dharma down)

ROBIN: "Why?? why am I constantly looking for reasons not to be happy??"
THERAPIST: "Maybe because the idea of finally being happy TERRIFIES YOU"
---- How I met your mother tv series

it's true. EXACTLY. The idea of finally being happy terrifies me and I don't know why. this is the reason why I'm always running away from things that makes me happy or should I say.. running away from the PERSON that makes me happy. I know clearly, deep inside.. its hiding, wanting to burst.. but I keep on fighting it.. and like what Robin said,, I am constantly looking for reasons not to be happy just to fight it and to tell you.. I'M VERY GOOD AT IT. But tell me? is it right? and there it goes.. my super negative identity tells me its right and the other tells me its not right. and so this sucks, actually, I Do. not this! :))

I tried to consult an older friend yesterday (Hi kuya dar!) and like what he always tells me.. I AM SUCH A PESSIMIST. as far as I can remember ang sabi nya sakin.. "GUSTO MO NA E! BAKIT MO PA PINIPIGILAN.". I told him I'm scared of what could happen after.. what could possibly change.. I don't want to get hurt AGAIN. and he told me.. MANGYAYARI NAMAN TALAGA YUN E.. SUSUBUKAN MO LANG NAMAN. EH PANO PAG NAWALA NGAYON PA LANG? EH DI MAS NAGSISI KA? and to my surprise.. tears fell down my eyes (like what's happening right now. at this exact moment. I'm such a cry baby) that's new! why did I cry?? :)) I realized how much this is hurting me already, how much pain I'm causing myself. it's so sad. and at the same time,, the tears felt like t'was tears of joy.. I am so overwhelmed but I am so confused. really CONFUSED!

and that moment made me realize things.. I know I have to make up my mind already.. it's time.. this is too much, too painful to handle already. that's why I need to take my chances, take the risk. stop being a coward.. face what scares me. I think a year and 7months of NOT BEING VULNERABLE is enough already.. I tried so hard already.. I think it's time to be the opposite, be VULNERABLE.. time to make myself happy without "buts" and "ifs", without the thoughts of "what could possibly happen", without the thought of being hurt. THE HELL WITH WHAT COULD BE THE ENDING. just try again.

ps: THIS IS STILL NOT EASY FOR ME!! FOR REAL.. BUT I'LL TRY my very best!!

to end this drama.. lemme leave you a this..  from Lady A.'s (there's always a song that would best describe your feelings.. agree?)

"Scared of love but scared of life alone. Seems I've been playing on the safe side. Building walls around my heart to save me, But it's time for me to let it go.. I'm ready to feel now, No longer am I afraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now.. Without the fear of how it might end. I guess I'm ready to love again"

ei! wtvr! it's still me :)) nothing will change. hihi I'll link this to this post ( adele21 )

-wanderlust, VJTL